Monday

It's 130 already? Can that be right? Doesn't seem so..I don't even know what I've done with my day today. I guess another lazy day ahead for us. I really should be packing and cleaning..I can't wait to move. We aren't supposed to start moving until May..so I really shouldn't rush things. I guess I can wait for another week to start. I just keep picturing how easy everything will be once we are in a bigger house that has more storeage and I'm able to have the space I want.

Bear's doing a lot better. We are letting him run around the house more often. We'll just the living room actually. We have him all blocked off so we can watch him at all times. He's still just a pup and loves to chew on things..and he still occassionally pees in the house. So I have to make sure to catch him in the act so he's knows it's wrong. I think when we move it will be much easier to have him inside. It's all hardwood floors in the new house..so I don't have to worry about carpet so much. And I'll be gating the play room off..so he won't be able to chew up the kids toys or bother them while they are playing. He's a really good walking buddy! I map quested from my house to speed way and it's a little over 3.5 miles..and I've been walking that every day and then some..I try to get about five miles of walking in a day atleast. At first he was having a really hard time making the trip..but now he's doing well. He's actually a lot stornger than me sometimes, and I'm finding myself having to restrain him while we walk..I guess it's working my arm muscles too!

I've started reading Midnight Sun...I promised myself I wouldn't. I hate reading on the computer..but I absolutely love it. I love it being told from Edwards prospective..it's like reading a whole new book..even though I kind of already know what's going to happen. I can't wait for Eclispe to come out in June...ahhh I can't wait :) It will be the first of the movies I've actually seen in the theater..and I'll be seeing it openening day!

Ugh the weather is cold and rainy today. I woke up thinking for sure I would be taking the kids to AHA or some adventure..but as soon as I felt the weather outside...I changed my mind. I wish I had some money to go spend. I'm obsessed with getting things for the kids play room and buying new books. I currently have three on my wish list..and Tim said I could get them..but of course I misplaced my bank card and have to reorder a new one now...who knows how long that will take. I think I really want to work on building my library. But I've been told I'm a book snob, and I only like hardcover books..that makes them more expensive. Oh well :) I've been going to half priced books a lot. The kids are into the Spiderwick Cronicles. We've read the first one and I just bought the second one. I'd like to get the whole series for them. I know once they are able to read on thier own they'll like to read them again, and the twins will like to read them when they are older too.

I was laying in bed today looking at Makenna, and I couldn't believe that she'll be going to preschool this year. And she's going to be FOUR when she goes. Mikhail what THREE when he went. So I had an extra year at home with her. I'm not sure if I'm ready to give her up yet. To let her spend her days at school and not with me. I know that's selfish. Most people are probably thankful for the break..which is ironic, because I'm always wishing for a break. But I know once they start school, it won't stop until she's moved out...maybe even married. Then I started thinking about the twins. They'll be two this year, so too young for prek..but the following school year, I could techniqually send them to pre k. But I don't think I will. I don't know. I think it would be ok to wait until they are four and only do one year of pre k with them before they start kindergarten. They are my last babies, and I want to hold on to that. I don't want to force them to grow up to quickly...I know I'll look back one day and wish I had more time with them being little. I've always held on to the hope that maybe one day I would get the suprise of being pregnant again. I never really thought the twins would be my last babies. But I'm realizing that they are my last babies. I'll have to hold out for the hope that some day my brother will have a baby and I'll get to be Auntie Shannon :) Lately I've seen so much saddness surround babies, and I don't think I would be able to handle that. I know I really pushed my body giving birth to the twins..I don't know how much is left of my birth giving abilities..and I don't want to push it to find out. I guess there comes a time in your life when you have to stop wishing for more or looking to the future and just be content with what you have and where you are in your life. I say that for myself, but for my friends also. I can't stand how everything seems to be a race with all of my friends, who has the best husband, the perfect family, the most expensive house, or the best possesions. I'm happy for all of my friends..and I hate when people try to make me feel like I have to compete with them. We don't have to compete with anyone, because we are happy with were we are..and to me, I feel like that's the best spot to be in. I don't know, maybe that's a little food for thought for the people who feel like they always have to brag about thier possesions or thier life. And before anyone can say it or even think it..that's not what my blogs are about. My blogs are my thoughts being put into writting that some day I might come back and read them and remember where I was or where I felt on that particular day.

Anyways, that was a random rant. I'm sitting here on the couch while the kids are watching tv and playing together, I have the curtains open and I'm just having a moment :) I suppose it's time to put the computer away and do something with the second half of my day.

stress is no good

Some times...I just feel so blonde. lol I just spent the last 15 minutes trying to figure out why I couldn't move the mouse on my laptop. I never knew there was a mouse lock thingy on here..thanks twins. Oh and they turned my wifi off..so once I could get the mouse to move..I couldn't get on the internet. Good thing no one was watching..or that might have been an embarassing moment when I finally realized what was going on.

Ok so I know I post a lot of our happy things on here. And I don't want to seem like I'm fake or try to be perfect...because I know I'm not perfect. If you came to my house right now, it's a mess..and am I cleaning it? noooooo I'm typing a blog. I'm so stressed out at the moment I could really care a less. I can't remember the last time I felt this stressed out. I know it's all part of the kids growing up and blah blah blah..it's just hard to deal with sometimes..and I know it only gets worse. Gosh I remember the hell my brother and I used to put my mom through growing up..and man I feel so bad! Makenna thinks that she can get whatever she wants by crying as loud as she possibly can. Mikhail thinks it's halarious and loves to egg her on. Ohh and Maddox is picking up on it now too. When ever she's sitting there or laying on the ground crying, Maddox will come up and hit her and then laugh..or his faveorite is to grab her hair and pull and pull until she's in full blown hysterics. I try to have a little one on one talk with her and tell her 'sorry hunni but that's what he was put her for, he will annoy you for the rest of your life' the poor girl doesn't understand anything about dating or friends and the damage her brothers are going to do to her once she hits that age. She's going to be crying to be about something they've done on the daily. Yesterday Daddy asked her who she was going to marry...thinking she was going to say him, and she said bubba.. And I asked her how many babies she wanted, and she said 'two like you have mommy' and I said, 'oh twins?' and she said, 'ya but girls, both girls' and the convo continued with me asking her why she didn't want boys, and she said we already have enough of them and they drive her crazy...but Mady is a good baby, so she would like two girls! LoL it was a very cute converstation. Anyways, today I about reached my snapping point with them. I was trying to read Mikhail and Makenna the second book in the Spiderwick Cronicles..but they weren't paying attention and it upset me. So I pretty much gave up and went upstairs and layed on my bed and just trying to calm myself down, but all they did was scream and cry and be so loud. I thought my head was going to explode seriously. And I feel bad, because everyone always says what a good mom I am and blah blah..but does a good mom get stressed like that? No. I should be able to handle that and difuse the situation, but I can't. Atleast not in this house. There's only one room the kids can play in. There's no where to seperate them. I can't wait until we are moved and then there's rooms all over the house I can divide them up into and make the house quiet for a change. I feel bad blaming it on the house, because I know it's no one's fault but my own. I got really upset today because I wanted to take the kids to the park at 2 and at 130 it started raining. It's not raining now, but it was a gardening activity and there's no point in going and everything be a muddy mess :( The dissapointment in the weather didn't help my mood much.

I've been throwing my self into getting this house packed and taking care of everything, and I just need to get out of the house this week and get back to doing fun things with the kids. I know everything else will work it's way out like it always does. The house will get packed, the new house will get painted..there's nothing to worry about. I just wish I could convince myself of that. Sometimes it just feels like theres to much going on for my own good. I want to be doing a million things. I love reading, I want to start scrapbooking again, I would love to go to school in the fall, Mikhail's in t ball, Makennas doing dance soon, I want to put them in music classes in the fall, Mady has physical theraphy, we are moving, we have a new puppy...I mean the list goes on and on. There's hardly a minute during the day that I find just for myself. The reading, scrapbooking, school..ya those are the first things to get put on hold always. I just wish I could find that perfect balance to the day. Maybe once we are moved and things are better organized we can settle into a rutine and everything will be just fine. Who knows? But I guess I just needed to blog about it all to get it out of my head. I already feel less stressed out than when I started typing the blog. Mom came and picked up Makenna aka cryer, Mikhail is watching a movie in my bed, the babies are sleeping, tim's playing video games, I'm sitting in the living room with the windows and doors open letting the rain secented breeze blow in through the windows listening to the birds chirpping, the wind rustling and the neighbor mowing his yard..which is all perfectly relaxing. A perfect atmosphere for laying down on a pillow and diving into some Midnight Sun..even though I have to settle for reading it on the comp, and that's probably why it's taking me so long to read.

Anyways, happier blog later..PROMISE :)

hmm different

So I keep waiting for this rain the weather men are talking about. Not the silly little ten minute sprinkles we get here and there..I'm waiting for a down pour! Especially at night. I love to open the windowns and the spell and sound of the rain spill through the house. It's smells so clean and feels so relaxing :) I don't want it to rain during the day when I'd rather be out and about..so come on rain..night time would be nice! I'd actually enjoy a good thunder storm right about now too.

Another thing I would enjoy is to win the lottery..yup that would be really nice. I have a million things on my wish list and I'm having a hard time deciding what ranks where in my list of priorities. I've really been LOVING reading. It's not something I've ever givin much time to. But to be able to escape this life and indulge myself in a fantasy life and expierence something through someone elses eyes is very calming. I love reading now :) But I've been having some really bad dreams about warewolves and vampires...thanks Twilight. sheesh. The next books on my list are obviously Midnight Sun, which I've started...but it's on the computer..and I'm not crazy about comp reading. Then I want to read Need and Captivate by Carie Jones and The Host too. I've been going to Half Priced Books a lot lately. I think I might start getting some things there and seeing how I like the random selection. The kids are really into the Spiderwick Cronicles. It took us like two or three days to read the first one, and they can't wait to dive into the second one I just picked up for them today. I think there's five of them. I know they'll want to read them again once they get older and can read on thier own. Plus the babies will want to read them when they get older..so it's nice to be able to build up our library. I dont' mind spending the money on them knowing they'll be going to good use multiple times. I also want to get the deceptivally good cook or whatever that books called..and they have that at half priced books too right now. I've looked at it before and I think it would be a great way to get the kids eating healthier..they wouldn't even know the stuff is in there :) bahahaha I love tricking the kids.

Right now however we are in the process of moving. So packing and cleaning and painting are taking over my life. I know I know we move almost every year. But this time I think we might stick around a little longer. We are moving into Tim's Mom's house :) I know what you are all thinking..financial problems...hardly..her mortgage is more than our rent. So we are actually paying more to live there. And she's already settled into her new apartment. We wanted to be able to send Mikhail to Chapelfield vs Royal Manor. And we needed a bigger house, so this works for us. Right now we are doing a rent to own with atleast a three year committment..but who knows, we may love it there and decide to buy it from her. The future is always up in the air and it's course can change at any given moment, so lets not get ahead of ourselves. I'm just happy to have a place to move into that we can call home for a couple years. Of course you know me and I want to paint the whole place. Not because I don't like how it's painted..just because that's what I do when I move. I want to make the palce mine and I want it to be my ideal home :) Which luckily she doesn't mind. It's just a lot of work. I also want it to be very organized. Tim and I have a lot of ideas about how we'll accomplish that, we just need to put the ideas to really good use! But ya, so that's what life is about these days.

Today we decided that we wanted to go to COSI. I wanted to go see grossology.. and I really want to take the kids to see a movie on the extreme screen. Dolphins and whales especially! Ohh and Titanic of course..but we get there and the lines we just so long to even park..and you know Tim and I...I'm not waiting and tyring to push my way through the crowd...we'll just go on a day when the kids are in school! But we decided to go to Polaris to spend some family time. We actually had a really good time despite Makenna's horrible attitude when we first got there. Of course she was throwing a fit for no reason at all..and Tim was getting him and I food and I was trying to set thier food up for them..and she's throwing a fit..so I was ignoring her..because I'm not going to bed her to keep her voice down, and when she's acting like that, I'm not going to give into what she wants..becuase she'll just always act like that. A lady stopped me to ask if I needed help...lol and while I know it was coming from the heart and a good place. I don't need help. These are my kids.. I know how to handle them and I'm not going to give into fit throwing. It ended up Tim having to take Makenna out side to have a good talk with him. When she came in she said sorry to me and I knew she meant it and that was the last of her attitude for the day. People stare at us all the time when we are out in public..and sometimes it bothers me..and then I just try to remember that when they think I'm crazy...they are just really realizing that they can't do what I can..so they should feel bad for themselves, not me. The fit throwing, fitting, crying..whatever..it's all part of being a parent..and if you can't handle it, you don't have a place being a parent. I handle it the way I know how..and that's why we make it through day to day. I don't want any one to pitty me..that's not what I ask for at all. Yes my life is hard, but this is the path I've chosen..and I wouldn't go back for a second and chose a different path. That saticfation makes me happy. I just wish people didn't stare so much. It's really annoying. I know a lot of people are curious about our lives. And that's ok, I don't mind...that's why I like to blog...I like to share our expierences with other people.

Anyways, I know this is a much different kind of blog than I'm used to posting..but I jsut had a lot on my mind today. I've been feeling a little stressed out lately..and blogging theraphy seems to work pretty well. I get it all wrote out and then I realize that the things that are stressing me aren't really worth all the fret. I just can't wait until we are settled into the new house..and that part of the stress and worry is gone!

Hmm well I'm thinking this rantish blogging thing I've just typed out is enough for the night. It's only 10..and no storms yet..but who knows I might get soem tonight. I'm going to open the bedroom window and put some clean sheets on the bed and just call it a night..nothing better than a peacefull relaxing night. I think tomorrow I'm spending the day with mom and maybe the girls..so that should be a fun...get away from the stress kind of day :)

catch up blog!

It's been a long long while since I've posted anything. I was at half price books the other day and I picked up a little journal to carry around with me in the hopes that when something amazing happens, I'll remember to jot it down. I used to blog a lot more when I was a myspace fanatic..but I get on there, and I just don't have it in me any more. But right now it's a little after 10 pm, so of course it's quiet in my house :) ahhh..to have the window open and a cool breeze blowing in, just took Bear on a walk..and blogging..that's a nice way to settle down from a busy day with four wild and crazy kids.

I took Mikhail to his kindergarten round up not too long ago, that's one thing I had been meaning to blog about. He thinks it's so cool that he's going to get to go to Daddy's old school. I was sad when we were in the parking lot and I realized that in not even a year, my little boy is going to be getting off the bus all by himself and walking into school like a real big kid. I've been calling him a big kid for so long now, but it's really going to hit me like a ton of bricks on that first day of school. I remember at the kindergarten round up meeting...before the actual round up, they told us that it's ok to walk them to class the first day or two, but they really need to do it themselves..and I was in shock. So walking into the school for his roundup I was imagining him doing it by himself, and it was scary! But he's so excited. Everything about the school excites him, and that makes me happy :) Of course I wasn't with him during the round up. He was in another room with the other kids and I was with the parents. I thought I would be so ethusiastic about the meeting..but yup I was sitting thier in the library bored out of my mind...remembering why I was such a bad student...lol I don't like school too much. But I was really amazed with how much they said the kids would be learing in just thier first year. By the time Mikhail gets to fifth grade I'll have to have google tutor him..because I won't know what he's talking about! I say it jokingly...but I know it's the truth! Then after a while we went into a room that had the one sided window. I could see him, but he could just see a mirror. It was halarious watching him while one of the teachers read a book to him. He did really well..but looking in on him was so wierd..and then it hit me that when he goes to school in the fall he's going to have so many moments during the day that I'm going to miss out on seeing because I'm not there :( and then I realized how grateful I am to have a Husband who thinks it's a good idea for me to stay home with the kids..because up until now, I haven't had to miss out on much! But at the end of the roundup, they gave Mikhail the same old cowboy hat I got when I was little. He thought it was the coolest thing ever. Now every time we drive past the school he ask when he gets to go. He's super excited!

Mady still isn't walking :/ I had to take her for a physical theraphy assesment just two days ago. They said that she definately is delayed in walking, but she won't need any braces or corrective foot ware..which was awesome news to me! I just couldn't picture her in anything like that and being happy. I do however have to take her back once a week for eight weeks or until she walks..whatever comes faster. They said she is just stubborn. She also has weak lower body strength. Part of it is the way she sits in a W. But the PT said she has great upper body strength...I'm just ready to get her walking!

Max is climbing out of the crib ALL the time. I have to put him back in the pack n play now. I originally put him in the crib because Mady kept falling out of it..but he's a pro at getting out of it..and he gets out and throws everything he can find in the room in Mady's bed..and she just cries. One morning Tim and I actually woke up to him walking in our room and laughing. After he threw everything in Mady's bed and threw cotton balls all over the bath room. The kid is such a little stinker. We've decided not to go with baby beds once we move into the new house. There's really no point if they just get out anyways. We'll just have to keep thier rooms super baby proof!

Speaking of moving..we gave our landlord our 30 day notice that we are moving out. Ugh one less thing to worry about. Of course he wanted us to stay..but I can't wait to be in a bigger house! We need the room. There's just a lot of work ahead with moving and painting and everything else..I hope we can get it all done as stress free as possible.

Well I haven't been watching a lot of tv lately..I've been really caught up in the Twilight Saga..and then working on moving and trying to walk at night to lose some of this winter weight..just doesn't leave a lot of room for tv watching..which isn't a bad thing :) But I think tonights going to be a good night to catch up!